修改英文句型

可以幫我修改兩篇英文看是否有文法錯誤 或修飾的更完美
First (Environmental protection)
Currently be subjected to the focus that the world pays attention to most is the problem that the iceberg melts. Once melt even Taiwan will also disappear. And what can we do for our ecosystems now? I feel we can start to do from whole environments. First is with do a very peripheral electrical appliance to use up and then turn off and pull out plug. Doing a good garbage classification is the second. For having already done good environmental protection us in the days to come just have beautiful environment can appreciate. Once the Earth suffers to break who can't also escape by luck. So environment problem have to everyone does together.

Second(Work resume)
Again shortly afterwards will have the possibility to be one's turn us to need to get employed. In the daily life we also often heard many examples of employments. DO not avoid the person whom we are regarded as and can't bear suffering. We should do like which? First is how first from the usage that school learned in the employment of actual situation up. The second license which is by passing in examination some nations. Actually the school is only a come on the line key. Works later attention is ability, ability is good you to be able upward to crawl. So no matter when it is we all need substantial. The economic recession is a fact. But do not have the completely strange economy, own to be supposed to take the responsibility also is necessary.

拜託嚕各位英文達人  另外可以用別的顏色顯示一下你修改的地方  感謝嚕

下面是我中文想打的部份
第一篇(環境保護)
目前最受全球所關注的焦點就是冰山融化的問題。一但溶化連台灣也會消失。而我們現在能夠為我們的生態做些什麼呢?我覺得我們可以從週遭環境做起。首先是隨手做好週邊電器用完就關掉並且把插頭拔掉。第二則是做好垃圾分類。為有做好環境保護我們日後才有美麗的環境可以欣賞。一但地球遭受破壞誰也無法倖免。所以環境問題必須大家一起做。
第二篇(工作履歷)
再過不久就有可能輪到我們需要就業。在日常生活中我們也常聽到許多就業的例子。未避免我們被當作不能吃苦的人。我們應做好哪些呢?首先是如何先從學校所學使用於就業的實務上。第二則是藉由考取一些國家之證照。其實學校只是進入工作的一把鑰匙。工作以後注重是能力，能力好你才能往上爬。所以不管何時我們都需充實自己。經濟不景氣是事實。但不要完全怪經濟，自己該負的責任也是必要的。


感謝幫助  看來我有必要從文法開始看了    其實我很久沒寫短文了    只記得一點點的寫作技巧   就是第一  第二....   看來該好好讀了

[ 本帖最後由 samisu999 於 2007-7-4 21:52 編輯 ]

一般的客套話就不說了,但是還是要鼓勵你自己寫的誠意  :smile:
開門見山吧~~~
1.你寫的大部分是中文式的英文,懂中文的人會看的比較懂,對於老外來說,他們可能要用猜的
2.英文句型的基本觀念不夠清楚, AND, SO.....是連接詞, 他不太會是一個句子的第一個字

Currently be subjected to the focus that the world pays attention to most is the problem that the iceberg melts.
1. 用英文表達時,你要開門見山,一段文章最重要的是第一句,一個句子最重要的是主詞
你這一句話重點是什麼呢?"全球所關注的焦點"還是"冰山融化的問題"
我想應該是後者吧! 那麼你就應該把"冰山融化"放在主詞的位置

我寫的:The melting icebergs have drawn the most worldwide attentions recently.
========================================================================

Once melt even Taiwan will also disappear. And what can we do for our ecosystems now?
1.語意上有一點問題: 一但溶化 --> 台灣消失 ?  不通吧? 是要融的夠多
2.disappear? 台灣沒有平空消失,只是在水面下
3. ANＤ是連接詞，在這裡是多餘的

我寫的:　Once the melting reaches a certain level, even Taiwan will disappear from the earth surface.  Now, what can we do to protect our ecosystem from being destoried?
========================================================================

I feel we can start to do from whole environments.
1. I feel 用在這裡感覺不夠正面也不夠強烈, 重點是好像沒人這樣用, 建議換成 I believe, I recommend, I suggest.  甚至 I think都會比較好
2. start to do: to do是沒有必要的,文法上沒錯,只是有點累贅
3. "從週遭環境做起"寫成from whole environments好像怪怪的, 我會改成"日常生活開始做起"

我寫的: I suggest that we start from our daily life.
========================================================================


First is with do a very peripheral electrical appliance to use up and then turn off and pull out plug.
1.整句話都不對, 想想你的主詞是什麼,動詞是什麼,
2.First在這裡不能單獨當做主詞用,至少要加THE
3. peripheral electrical appliance ??  沒有人這樣用
peripheral 通常指電腦週邊設備
electronics 通常指一般電子產品像電視,音響,像機等
appliance 通常指一般家電像冰箱,洗衣機,爐子等
4. Use up 是指東西用到沒有了,像是牙膏,香皂等. 電器是不會用完的

我寫的: First of all, turn off and unplug the electronics after using.
========================================================================

Doing a good garbage classification is the second.
1. 我不知道垃圾分類英文要怎麼說,因為美國沒人在做分類! (美國是我看過最浪費的國家)
這裡用recycle,老外會比較了解你的意思

我寫的: Secondly, recycle the useful resouces, such as paper, and aluminum cans.
========================================================================


For having already done good environmental protection us in the days to come just have beautiful environment can appreciate.
這句整個都不對,完全沒有英文句型的基本觀念, 主格WE受格US分不清楚, 主動被動也不對

我寫的: We will have a beautiful earth to live only if we protect it right now.
========================================================================

Once the Earth suffers to break who can't also escape by luck. So environment problem have to everyone does together.
沒有英文句型的基本觀念,想想你的主詞是什麼 WHO? 他當主詞正確嘛?
environment problem have to 然後哩? 怎麼會接 everyone does together?
everyone does together 做什麼?

SO是連接詞，在這裡是多餘的, 除非你把兩句話連在一起

我寫的: Everyone would suffer once the enviroment was destoried; therefore, it takes everyone's effort to protect it.
========================================================================

建議你從頭了解英文句型的基本觀念 S+V+O 而不是自己悶著頭寫
下次有時間在幫你看第二段
也請大家多指正
JACK

[ 本帖最後由 JackUSA 於 2007-7-3 18:24 編輯 ]

Jack老大辛苦了...
我有個小小疑問,
如果在單字上已經有如版主的能力，我的意思說，這兩篇文章裡其實用了滿多大字big words, 在構句上實在看不出來會有如老大所指出來的種種誤失才對。也就是，如果已經會了乘除法，我們可不可以推斷加減法也應該沒問題才對？


我這幾天花了好多時間回應另一篇文章，該休戰一下，拿起我的暑假作業充電囉。

[ 本帖最後由 billhung 於 2007-7-4 17:41 編輯 ]

回BILL老大的話
小弟之所以在這盡一份薄力,無非是希望有心學英文的人
都能夠得到正確的觀念
小弟大學畢業後跟著現在的老婆來到人生地不熟的美國
跌跌撞撞的也混了快十年, 不敢說我英文有多好,但是一般工作生活上的溝通是沒什麼問題的.
回頭看看台灣的英文教育,花了這麼多的時間與金錢卻教出來一堆連1數到100都有問題的學生.
實在是不知道該說些什麼.

台灣教育最失敗的地方就是考試領導教學,
該背的背好,考試寫的出來,考完就算了
許多人都認為背單字是學好英文的第一要務,所以拼命背一堆單字但是不會用
更糟的事抱一本漢英電子字典,遇到需要的字就查一查然後亂用一通
我一直苦口婆心的強調英英字典的重要性,但是真正會去用的我想沒幾個.
正確基本觀念的缺乏+電子字典=BILL老大你的疑問

在這裡還是跟有心要學英文的朋友強調
如果你寫英文寫的不順,先從簡單的直述句寫起S+V+O
然後再把從屬子句,形容詞子句等加進來
用字也是,用電子字典OK,但是把你要用的字丟進英英字典看看原意即用法是否正確
學語言是急不來的,沒有什麼速成的辦法
除了練習還是練習
加油~~

JACK